I didn't really want to go.  The last time I'd gone to a palm reader at 21, she'd told me that I'd be divorced at 40.  And I was pissed at the indication that the very new relationship that I was in at the time wasn't going to last forever.  So I'd sworn off palm readings, or anything that insinuates that things are pre-determined.  I prefer to believe that we create our own lives.  I'll plant the seeds I want, thank you.

But the fact of the matter was that I HAD gotten divorced at 40.  And I was now nearly 3 years post divorce, had just broken off a relationship and just felt that something... something really big... was on the horizon.  And I'd been putting out some heavy vibes for $2 million.  So I was like, how rad would that be if I went in there and she told me I came into masses of money at 43!  I was convinced that I was going to hear some great news and that was going to help me to keep trudging forward through the pain of the breakup I was going through and the continued financial debacles courtesy of my ex.

 Instead, she dropped a couple of bombs.   

“You don't really have any real money gains in your lines”.

Okay.  Awesome?

“And you've got another solid 3 years of dealing with your ex.  And you won't meet someone for another 4.”

Well fuck you palms.  And fuck you palm reader.

 I left her office doing my best to play it off as just something we'd done for entertainment, but I was pretty gutted.  3 years is a long time.  In the past 3 years I'd lost everything I owned, got fucked by the system repeatedly, lost my business repeatedly, got cancer twice.

I was exhausted.  And what I'd wanted to hear was that it was almost over.  That the work that I'd put forth these past 3 years was going to pay off.  I wanted to hear that that feeling I was having... the feeling that I was on the verge of something huge... that it was real.  Instead I heard that I was only halfway through a marathon.  And anyone who's run a marathon knows, the second half sucks way harder than the first.  That’s when your nipples chafe. 

I could not fathom another 3 years of dealing with bad news, struggles, exhaustion.  But alas, I cried for a bit and then put on my big girl panties and got... well... pissed off.  I get really, fucking mad.  And something happened inside of me.  It's an interesting feeling to have nothing left to lose.  To have fought and fought and still lost and look around and realize you've been stripped of it all.  

It's actually... really freeing.  

My attitude shifted.  And I started making decisions differently.  There was no more “what if?”.  There was only “What have you got to lose, Trish?  Literally nothing.  Do it.”  So I made some bold moves.  And I decided to try things I'd not tried before.  And I started to fight back.

I think that's what the universe was waiting for.  I'd finally made a statement that I was done taking shit.  Done being treated badly, by others and by my own self.  And I was done using karma as an excuse to let people do truly fucked up things without accountability to me.  The universe isn't going to step up for you if you aren't going to step up for you.

And do you know?  6 weeks, almost to the day, after I'd decided I'd give myself 6 weeks to grieve the man that I left, I met my person.  I went on a chance meeting and fell in love with someone who fell in love with me too.  I met someone who has, on many occasions, stopped me in my tracks with her beauty, brought me to tears with her thoughtfulness and expanded my heart with her love.  Someone who, every time I look in her eyes, I feel a deeper sense of having known her before, and wanting to always find her again.  I finally feel at home.

This past weekend, I proposed to her and we're getting married next year.  Something I never thought I'd do again.  And instead of feeling exhausted by what I've gone through and what I've still got on my plate, I feel grateful for all of it readying me for her.  Because I know, for certain, I needed to be ready for a love like this.  And... wow... how worth it it's all been.

I WAS on the verge of something big.  I knew it even when my own palm didn't.   What I didn't know, is that it was far better than $2 million.  And if you look at the last line of this blog post I wrote just 1 week before I met her, I told her I was ready.  I just didn't know she was, literally, right around the corner.

Hang in there.  One day it's all awful, and then, in an instant, it gets better.  Sometimes just a little.  Sometimes a life altering amount.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk towards what you want...

… And skip the palm reader.  Unless, like me, you have to get pissed to get things done.  :)