It's all about self realization lately. And there is one thing that has become absolutely clear to me. I can see the beauty and good in almost anyone. I can see your beauty, even when you can't. I can see your core, below the surface of any facade you may be putting up or story you may be telling yourself. I immediately see and connect with who you really are underneath. Your best you. And it is beautiful. I've always considered this a gift, especially in my line of work.
Lately though, I've been looking at that part of myself and wondering two things. 1. Why the hell is it that I can see the goodness in everyone else but when I look at myself I see only flaws? and 2. Is it really a gift if seeing only the good in someone lands you in a world of hurt? Because I stayed in a relationship for 20 years holding on to that persons core of goodness, trying desperately to get them to see it and to help them to act from that place. Even when it was slowly being overtaken by something else. Is it a gift? Or is it really my curse?
I can't say that I've come up with any concrete answers to either of those questions. But I have determined that in both of these cases, whatever the answers are... they are... get this... MY DECISION.
I decide whether or not I see my own beauty. I decide if the rhetoric in my head is kind to me, or unkind. I'll be totally honest. One of my biggest challenges with this breakup is being on a small island. A place where it's hard to not run into someone you know, or know when someone starts dating someone else. And I dread the day that I run into my ex and see him with another woman. Like, I literally spend hours thinking about him being happy with another woman and it destroys me inside.
And as I do this, I'm telling myself that I'm just preparing myself for when it happens so it doesn't catch me off guard. But the truth of the matter is that there is NO preparing for that. It is going to hurt like a mother no matter what. And the fact that I'm thinking about that is just me being unkind to me. And that shit has to stop. So it is my decision, that every time those awful and painful thoughts enter my mind, I will instead visualize myself finding someone who makes me happy. Or even just me being happy by myself. It is my decision, and at this point it's really my job, to make sure that my thoughts are positive and supportive of ME. I can not avoid hurt by trying to prepare for it. I can avoid hurt by NOT HURTING MYSELF WITH MY OWN THOUGHTS.
You probably all already know this. And it's not like I didn't know it... I just didn't realize how sneaky my mind was in finding ways to allow me to bash myself internally. I'm deciding to focus on seeing my own beauty instead of having thoughts that make me cry.
So, then, is seeing the beauty in others really my gift or my curse? Because I ended up in a "real pickle" as a result of this trait. And by "real pickle" I of course mean, "completely fucked".
It seems it is a gift that was meant to be refined. And I do think I'm coming to terms with the fact that even though this situation has looked and felt like a great diarrhea fest raining from the sky, it is actually the universe conspiring to teach me about this gift. And how to maybe turn it around on myself for a while. To see my own beauty. To give myself credit for being a decent human and a pretty damn good mom. To remind myself of my core. And how to not only appreciate it, but cherish it.