We all want to believe in love.
Even after the gaslighting, manipulation, and heartbreak... part of us still wonders:
“Did they ever really love me?”

It’s one of the most painful questions survivors ask during narcissistic abuse recovery... because to admit the answer might mean letting go of the illusion that kept us holding on.

So let’s explore it gently, honestly, and with compassion for your heart.

What Is Love, Really?

True love is selfless.
It’s patient, empathic, curious, and kind. It honors boundaries, celebrates individuality, and finds joy in another’s happiness... not power over them.

But for a narcissist, “love” means something entirely different.

For them, love is transactional... something they give or withhold to get what they want. It’s not connection; it’s control.

The Narcissist’s Version of Love

When a narcissist says, “I love you,” what they often mean is:

• “I love how you make me feel important.”
• “I love that you admire me.”
• “I love that you forgive me.”
• “I love that you don’t leave me... no matter what I do.”

They crave admiration, loyalty, and attention, not emotional intimacy.

That’s why so many survivors describe their relationships as intense but empty... filled with passion one day, punishment the next.

This cycle... affection, withdrawal, chaos, apology... isn’t love.

It’s narcissist behavior patterns in disguise.  And wreaks havoc on the nervous system and self worth of those exposed to it.

Why Narcissists Struggle to Love

At their core, narcissists carry deep emotional wounds... shame, abandonment, and insecurity they refuse to face.  Instead of healing, they build a mask of superiority to hide their pain.

Because of this, they struggle to:

• Feel genuine empathy for others
• Accept accountability without shame
• Give love without expecting something in return
• Respect boundaries
• Offer emotional safety

It’s not that they don’t feel... it’s that their feelings are filtered through fear and control.

They love you like a mirror... only when you reflect the version of themselves they want to see.

The Pain of Believing It Was Real

You might still replay the good moments... the laughter, the intimacy, the tenderness. You may wonder, “How could that not have been love?”

Here’s the truth: parts of it were real for you.
You loved deeply, fully, vulnerably.
That was your heart... not theirs.

The sadness you feel isn’t proof that they loved you... it’s proof that you are capable of real love.

And that’s something they couldn’t destroy.

Maybe We Should Ask a Different Question?

When dealing with a disorder as emotional and complex as narcissism, it might be more helpful to instead of asking if they ever did or ever could love you, accept that how they behave IS how they love. And the real question we should be asking ourselves

"Is that how I want to be loved?"

For me, the answer was no.  And I went on a quest to start loving and healing myself and eventually found myself the most beautiful, loving and supportive relationship I could have ever dreamed of.  And it happened because I stopped focusing on whether or not he loved me, and instead focused on me and what I wanted and deserved.

You deserve the kind of love that takes your breath away, while at the same time making you feel safe.  

My book, I Feel Super, is my story of leaving abuse, starting to care for myself and how doing that not only helped me, but it helped my kids to navigate and be able to see and feel what true love really is. 

All of my books work to heal some facet of Narcissistic Abuse... but if you're still stuck in whether or not you were loved, I Feel Super can get you on track to loving the person that really matters... YOU.

To see all of my available children's books that are helping tens of thousands of kids and adults survive through and thrive after Narcissistic Abuse, click here.