One of the most common questions survivors ask is, and our wondering often keeps us locked in situations too long, “Can a narcissist change?”
After enduring years of gaslighting, manipulation, or emotional neglect, it’s natural to wonder whether all of it could ever stop... whether the person who hurt you could ever become self-aware, compassionate, or kind.
The short answer is complicated:
Change is possible in theory, but rare in reality.
Let’s unpack why.
Understanding Narcissism and Why It’s So Difficult to Change
Narcissism isn’t just about ego or arrogance. It’s a deeply ingrained personality disorder characterized by distorted thinking, emotional dysregulation, and a fragile self-image hidden beneath an inflated sense of self.
Common narcissist behavior patterns include:
- A constant need for admiration and control
- Dismissing or invalidating others’ feelings
- Gaslighting — making you question your own reality
- Playing the victim when confronted
- Blaming others for their actions
- Emotional withholding or silent treatment
- Lack of empathy for others
For someone to truly change, they must first recognize their own behavior. And narcissists rarely can. Their entire sense of self is built around denial, superiority, and control.
Can a Narcissist Change With Therapy?
Some people with narcissistic traits, especially those who are motivated by loss, consequences, or a deep desire for connection, can make progress through long-term, specialized therapy.
However, genuine transformation requires:
- Consistent self-reflection (which most narcissists avoid)
- Empathy development (which they struggle to sustain)
- Accountability (which they resist at all costs)
Without those ingredients, therapy often becomes another stage for manipulation... a way to appear self-aware without real change underneath.
So while therapy can help, most narcissists use it to justify or soften their image rather than dismantle their destructive patterns.
Signs a Narcissist Is Not Changing
It’s easy to hope, especially if the narcissist is a partner, co-parent, or family member. But here are clear signs of false change:
- They apologize but repeat the same behaviors.
- They only show empathy when it benefits them.
- They weaponize therapy terms (“You’re gaslighting me!”).
- Their “change” depends on whether you comply.
- They expect praise for doing the bare minimum.
Real change shows up consistently... not in promises, but in patterns. And extends beyond the "good behavior" phase that usually comes after you've given an ultimatum, or tried to leave.
Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
The more important question might not be can narcissists change, but rather:
Can I heal, even if they never do?
The answer to that is yes.
Completely.
Healing after narcissistic abuse starts when you stop waiting for them to become someone else... and start reclaiming your own life.
You’ll begin to:
- Rebuild your confidence and self-worth
- Relearn what healthy love and respect look like
- Set firm emotional and financial boundaries
- Stop seeking validation from those who can’t give it
- Reconnect with joy, creativity, and peace
This is the foundation of narcissistic abuse recovery... not fixing them, but freeing yourself.
How to Deal With a Narcissist While You Heal
If you still have to interact (especially for co-parenting or family reasons), here’s how to protect your peace:
- Detach emotionally. Don’t take the bait when they provoke you.
- Communicate minimally. Stick to facts, not feelings.
- Document everything. Especially if there’s manipulation or financial abuse.
- Seek support. Trauma-informed coaches, therapists, or survivor groups can help.
- Reclaim your narrative. You are not what they said you are.
When you focus on your own mental well-being and healing instead of their change, the dynamic loses power.
A Note of Truth
I really can't say (nor do I think anyone else) can say if a narcissist can change.
That's up to them.
But you? You have the power to change what matters. YOU.
You can rebuild your life, your sense of safety, your financial stability, and your joy. You can rewrite the story for yourself, and for your kids.
That’s why I created books and healing courses for survivors. To help you move from the chaos of losing yourself to a narcissist to the clarity of reclaiming your power and self-love.
If you’re ready to start healing, here's two ways you can reclaim your power:
My children's books were created specifically for kids and the parents that love them to heal from the devastating impacts of Narcissistic abuse. Check out the collection here.
My courses were created specifically from WHAT I DID, to reclaim my power, find love, create financial success and hold healthy boundaries after 28 years of Narcissistic abuse. Check out my courses here.
