When we hear the word narcissist, many people imagine someone loud, arrogant, and obviously self-centered. But not all narcissists are so easy to spot. Some wear a mask of humility, sensitivity, or even victimhood. This is known as the covert narcissist... and recognizing one can be incredibly difficult.

But there are ways to spot out covert narcissism.

1. They Play the Victim, Always

A covert narcissist often frames themselves as misunderstood, mistreated, or unfairly burdened. They use pity to draw people in, deflect responsibility, and avoid any accountability.  

2. Their Criticism Is Subtle but Constant

Unlike the overt narcissist who shouts and belittles, a covert narcissist often uses quiet jabs, sarcasm, or backhanded compliments. Over time, these micro-cuts erode your confidence and self-worth.  If they do engage in shouting, belittling and other forms of mental and emotional abuse, it will be behind closed doors and hidden.  I always knew I was about to get it when he would come home and start quietly closing the windows and the blinds.  As soon as the last one was shut, that's when the yelling would begin.

3. They Withhold Affection or Attention

Silent treatment, emotional withdrawal, or acting “cold” can be one of their most powerful tools. This makes you chase their approval while they remain in control.

4. They’re Extremely Sensitive to Criticism

Even gentle feedback may spark defensiveness, sulking, or outright rage. Even if they don't explode—they’ll make sure you feel guilty for speaking up.  Or rip you apart and make sure that the focus is turned on you and how you aren't perfect.  That was a big one in my relationship.  How dare I bring up anything because I wasn't perfect.

5. They Use Guilt and Obligation to Control

Instead of demanding outright, they’ll imply you “owe” them, or that you’re selfish if you don’t meet their unspoken expectations. You may feel like nothing you do is ever enough. Or they'll say "you should be grateful" when after weeks of mistreatment, they decide treat you well once.  One of the ways this played out in my relationship was how he would go off the rails with the kids whenever I had to work or was invited out with friends.  I'd get several calls from the kids stressed out about his behavior while I was out.  This eventually led to me being afraid to work, because I didn't want to leave them alone with him.  And when I got home, there would be a minimum of 2 hours of yelling and screaming and accusations.  So though he never refused to let me go out or work, I realized what we'd all have to deal with if I did.  I eventually stopped leaving the house at all.

6. They Seek An Audience

Their acts of generosity/"parenting" are always public.  They make sure that others see that they're "such a good parent" with large purchases that they brag about, or gifts.  But you won't see them doing the quiet acts of actual parenting... you know... the hard stuff that needs to be done when no one is looking; showing up, holding the kids accountable, teaching them life skills, teaching them to work for what they want.  Real solid parenting happens without an audience, it's not glamorous and kids don't usually like you very much for it.  For the Narc, it's about appearing as the good parent, not actually being one.  It's all a show, and a show needs an audience.  Which means they will involve anyone they can in your personal business.

Why Recognizing Covert Narcissism Matters

The insidious part about covert narcissism is that it can be invisible to those on the outside. But the effects are just as damaging.  In my particular case, the yelling, screaming and outright obvious abuse always happened behind closed doors.  So no one else really knew it was going on.  My nervous system was always a wreck and I was always on eggshells.  Then there would be a jab or comment in public that would be the straw that broke me emotionally, and then it would seem like I was unstable, or the problem.  This cycle went on for years and I realize now that it was deliberate and calculated.  Thankfully, those closest to me were able to notice the reality I was dealing with and gave me the strength I needed to leave.  They would hear him yelling at me over the phone or observe his behavior towards me at social gatherings and tell me point blank "that's not normal."  

This type of abuse is incredibly damaging to the children involved as well.  Because the tactics used are calculated; devised to make you feel like you're the problem.  And for kids, feeling like they're to blame or they're the problem becomes their "normal".   It leads to kids that are constantly dealing with internal conflict, who struggle with self esteem and their ability to trust themselves and others can be greatly damaged.  It's heart breaking.

Healing and Protecting What Matters Most

The first step is awareness. Once you see the patterns, you can begin to set boundaries and reclaim your power. For parents who are raising kids alongside a narcissistic ex, resources that help children understand their feelings... and remind them of their worth... are vital.  Anything that can reroot them in reality, as all Narcissists will try to make you question reality and question yourself.

That’s why I write children’s books that are uplifting tools for families navigating these painful dynamics. They help kids feel safe, validated, and empowered... without placing blame or alienating.

If you’re searching for a gentle but powerful way to support your child, take a look at my children’s book bundle. Written for my own kids as we dealt with the insidious impacts of covert narcissism, these stories are becoming an anchor of hope and healing for tens of thousands of families going through this.

✨ Remember: covert narcissists thrive in the shadows. The more you learn to recognize the signs, and shine your LIGHT, the stronger and freer you... and your children... become.