This is a big lesson for us.
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, their whole game is to disconnect you from yourself.
Chaos, gaslighting, lying, manipulating... it all adds up to exhaustion. Exhausting you to the point where you feel like it doesn’t matter what you say or do. Exhausting you until you stop standing up for yourself. You stop speaking your truth.
When my kids would come back from visits and share incidents that really bothered them, I’d often ask, “Did you say something?”
And they’d reply, “No. It doesn’t matter. It won’t make a difference anyway.”
And if we looked at it from the perspective that the point of saying something was to change his behavior, then yes... that was an accurate statement. We cannot change anyone else’s behavior.
But that’s not what it’s about.
Each time someone does or says something that undermines you... that cuts at you, that makes you feel less than... it chips a piece away from you.
And each time you speak your truth, that’s you picking up that piece and reclaiming it. Putting yourself back together.
You don’t speak your truth to change them.
You speak your truth to stay whole.
And when you don’t... when you stop speaking up... who you are ends up a pile of rubble on the floor.
And when those who really love you try to hand you the pieces of yourself, begging you to heal, you won’t even recognize it as love.
You’ll just say, “It doesn’t matter. It won’t make a difference anyway.”
It does matter.
It does make a difference.
Even when it doesn’t seem like it.
You being you... you being whole...
It fucking matters.
2 comments
Regine, thank you so much for sharing this. I know how heartbreaking and helpless it feels to watch someone you love be pulled into that kind of manipulation. Narcissistic dynamics can create such deep confusion for kids, and when a harmful parent is present, they often adapt in whatever way feels the safest in the moment… even if that means pushing away the people who genuinely love them.
Please know this: her turning against you isn’t a reflection of your support or your bond. It’s a survival response to an environment where she’s being criticized, controlled, and emotionally overwhelmed. Children often align with the loudest or most unpredictable adult because it feels like the safest choice, not because they prefer that person.
Your presence, even from far away, still matters more than you may ever see right now. Your steadiness, your love, and your willingness to see her truth gives her a foundation she will be able to reach for as she grows older and begins to understand the dynamics around her.
It’s incredibly hard to be the safe person who isn’t always allowed to help, especially when you can see what’s happening so clearly. But your love is not wasted. Your consistency is not wasted. And your awareness is not wasted. Hang in there…
My granddaughter’s father is a narcissist, I like to help but I live far away and when I am around he is always around, gaslighting her, belittling her and criticizing her. She actually turns against me for helping, she is under his spell and manipulation, he does everything to break her down.!