One of the hardest realities of co-parenting after an abusive relationship is this:
You may know what your child is walking into... and still have very little control over what happens once they walk through the other parent’s door.
You can’t control what is said.
You can’t control whether guilt is used.
You can’t control whether your child is questioned about you, put in the middle, blamed, pressured to choose sides, or made responsible for an adult’s emotions.
You can’t control whether their boundaries are respected.
And sometimes, despite doing everything you can through the appropriate legal and professional channels, you still have to send your child somewhere you wish you could protect them from.
I know how powerless that can feel.
But there is an important distinction I wish more parents understood:
Not being able to control the environment your child enters does not mean you are powerless to protect your child within it.
Because there are things you can give your child that travel with them.
And that became one of the reasons I started writing my children’s books.
You Can’t Always Change the Other House. You Can Strengthen the Child Who Walks Into It.
When we think about protecting our children, our instinct is often to remove the danger.
But when dealing with a narcissist, or high-conflict parent, that isn't always possible.
So another kind of protection becomes incredibly important.
We can teach them:
My feelings are real.
I am allowed to have boundaries.
I can love people and still say no.
Someone being upset with me doesn't automatically mean I did something wrong.
I don't have to make everyone happy.
I am allowed to think for myself.
I can make mistakes without believing I am a bad person.
I am not responsible for fixing an adult's emotions.
I can trust myself.
Those may sound like simple lessons.
For a child caught in unhealthy family dynamics, they can become anchors.
Be Careful Not to Make Your Child Responsible for Identifying the “Bad Parent”
This is an important piece.
If you believe the other parent is narcissistic, emotionally immature, manipulative, controlling, or otherwise unhealthy, it can be tempting to teach your child about that person.
But children generally don't need to be taught:
"Your mother is a narcissist."
Or:
"Your father is manipulating you."
They need to be taught what healthy feels like.
That is a very different thing.
Instead of teaching them who is wrong, teach them what is right.
Teach boundaries.
Teach consent.
Teach emotional regulation.
Teach critical thinking.
Teach self-respect.
Teach them that love and control aren't the same thing.
Teach them that gifts don't create obligations.
Teach them that they're allowed to disagree respectfully.
Teach them that another person's disappointment doesn't automatically mean they've done something wrong.
Teach them that adults are responsible for managing adult problems.
And most importantly, give them permission to trust what they experience without telling them what they are supposed to experience.
That allows your child to develop discernment without asking them to take sides.
Give Them Language Before They Need It
Children often know something feels uncomfortable long before they have words to explain why.
A child may say:
"I don't know. I just don't want to go."
"Mom gets mad when I talk about you."
"Dad said not to tell you."
"I didn't want to, but I didn't want them to be mad."
"It's easier if I just say sorry."
"I don't know what really happened anymore."
Sometimes what children need isn't an explanation of narcissism.
They need vocabulary.
“You're allowed to say that something made you uncomfortable.”
“You don't have to agree with someone just because they are upset.”
“You can tell me what happened without worrying about how I will react.”
“You don't have to take care of my feelings.”
“You are allowed to love both of your parents.”
That language gives children something incredibly valuable:
options.
Make Your Home the Place Where Their Nervous System Can Exhale
Your child doesn't necessarily need an interrogation after returning from the other house.
They need peace. Predictability. Food. Sleep. Connection. Normalcy. Space.
A parent who isn't asking them to choose a version of events.
Instead of immediately asking a dozen questions about what happened, you can create opportunities for them to talk.
"I'm happy you're home."
"I'm here if there's anything you want to talk about."
"How are you feeling?"
And then listen.
You don't have to agree with everything your child says. You don't have to correct every inaccurate statement immediately. And you don't have to use every disclosure as an opportunity to explain what the other parent is doing wrong.
Sometimes one of the safest things you can give a child is the experience of telling the truth about how they feel without having to manage the adult listening to them.
Help Them Separate Their Feelings From Someone Else's Feelings
This can be especially important for children who have learned to monitor adults.
They may become extraordinarily good at reading the room.
Is Mom angry?
Is Dad disappointed?
Should I say what they want me to say?
Should I apologize?
Should I pretend I didn't have fun at the other house?
If I tell the truth, will somebody be hurt?
Eventually, a child can become so focused on everyone else's emotional state that they lose touch with their own.
That's where one of the simplest questions becomes powerful:
“But how do YOU feel?”
Not how does Mom feel.
Not what does Dad think.
Not what will make everybody happy.
What do you think? What do you feel? What do you need?
That's the beginning of self-trust.
This Is Exactly Why I Wrote These Books
My children's books weren't created to teach children that one parent is a narcissist.
In fact, they intentionally don't identify a villain at all.
They are gender-neutral and focused on the child's internal skills because I wanted them to be useful in complicated families without asking children to diagnose, blame, or choose between the people they love.
Each book addresses a different piece of that internal protection.
Find Your Happy — “My feelings belong to me.”
Find Your Happy helps children understand big emotions and begin discovering that they have tools inside themselves for navigating difficult feelings.
For a child whose emotional world may sometimes feel unpredictable, that's an important foundation:
I can notice what I'm feeling. I can understand it. And I can learn what helps me find my way back to myself.
LIGHT — “I am allowed to have boundaries.”
LIGHT teaches children about personal space, boundaries, choices, and the power of saying no.
Not because we're teaching children to reject a parent.
Because we're teaching children something they deserve to know in every relationship:
Being a good person doesn't require abandoning yourself.
A child can be kind and still have boundaries.
They can love someone and still be uncomfortable with something that person does.
They can say no.
The Sorry Monster — “I don't have to apologize for existing.”
Some children become chronic apologizers.
They learn that keeping the peace is safer than expressing themselves.
They apologize when someone else is upset.
They apologize for having needs.
They apologize for saying no.
They apologize before they've even figured out whether they've done anything wrong.
The Sorry Monster helps children begin separating genuine accountability from people-pleasing.
Because “I'm sorry” should mean something—not become the price a child pays to keep everyone around them happy.
I Feel Super — “I am stronger than I realize.”
Children navigating difficult family circumstances need more than warnings about what can hurt them.
They need to know who they are.
I Feel Super focuses on inner strength, resilience, confidence, and helping children recognize that they can be the hero of their own story.
That doesn't mean asking children to be responsible for surviving adult dysfunction.
It means helping them build a strong internal sense of:
I matter.
I have a voice.
I am capable.
I am worthy.
The Books Grow With Your Child
One thing parents often ask me is whether these books are only for little kids.
They're not.
The language is intentionally accessible to younger children, but the concepts become more meaningful as children grow.
A five-year-old can understand:
“I can say no.”
An eleven-year-old may begin understanding:
“Someone being angry about my boundary doesn't mean my boundary is wrong.”
And a teenager may eventually recognize:
“I can care about someone without allowing their emotions to control my decisions.”
Same foundation.
Deeper understanding.
That's why I often say these books grow with kids.
For Teens, the Conversation Can Go Deeper
As children get older, they encounter another layer of complicated dynamics.
Approval. Money. Gifts. Independence. Identity. Pressure.
The difference between something being given and something being earned.
The difference between generosity and a gift that quietly comes with strings attached.
That's part of why I wrote The Work and If Not You, Then Who? specifically for teens and young adults.
At that age, we're no longer simply teaching boundaries. We're helping young people answer a much bigger question:
Who am I going to become?
Not who does Mom say I am?
Not who does Dad want me to be?
Not who keeps everyone happy?
Who am I?
Your Relationship With Your Child Is Part of the Protection
There is another piece that doesn't come in any book.
You.
When your child experiences consistency with you, they learn what consistency feels like.
When you apologize when you're wrong, they learn what genuine accountability looks like.
When you respect their boundaries, they learn what respectful love feels like.
When they disagree with you and discover that you still love them, they learn that disagreement doesn't have to threaten a relationship.
When you don't make them responsible for your emotions, they learn that love doesn't require emotional caretaking.
When you listen without immediately telling them what to think, they learn that their voice matters.
Healthy relationships teach by contrast.
You don't necessarily have to point out every unhealthy behavior for your child to eventually recognize the difference.
You can show them something different.
You Don't Have to Prepare Them for Every Possible Thing
This is where fear can take over.
You start trying to anticipate everything that might happen at the other house.
What if they say this? What if they tell my child that? What if my child believes them? What if they're manipulated? What if they turn against me?
You cannot give your child a script for every situation they will encounter.
But you can give them something better.
A foundation.
When You Can't Protect Them From Everything, Give Them Something They Can Carry With Them
I wish every parent could guarantee that their child would only encounter healthy people.
We can't.
Not in another parent's home. Not at school. Not in friendships. Not when they start dating. Not when they enter the workplace.
Our children will eventually walk into rooms we cannot enter with them.
So perhaps one of the greatest forms of protection we can give them isn't simply teaching them how to recognize a narcissist. It's teaching them how not to lose themselves around one.
A sense of self.
A voice.
Boundaries.
Emotional awareness.
Resilience.
Self-trust.
The knowledge that they are allowed to think, feel, question, choose, and say no.
You may not always be able to control what happens in the other house.
But you can help build something inside your child that the other house doesn't get to define.
And that is exactly why I wrote these books.
