A crazy thing happened. After 7 years of being wrecked by the system in Hawaii… we got a win in New York: choice. The outcome is an amazing thing. And I’m eternally grateful to the people here for being able to see through the madness to the truth and support my child. To give her a choice to feel and be safe.
A crazy thing happened. After 7 years of carrying the burdens of being unable to protect my kids, I was able to relax.
And do you know what happened next?
I broke.
More than I’ve ever broken before. It’s been 5 weeks, and I’m still mostly bedridden. The physical pain has been unbearable. And it quickly became obvious to me that the physical pain I was feeling was a representation of all that I’ve been carrying internally for all these 7 years. The weight of it; too much to bear. The feelings in it; fear, desperation. And nothing would help. No position gave relief. No drug numbed the pain. It was just pure brutality.
And that’s what these past 7 years have been.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve created real beauty and blessings and strength through these years and have built a beautiful little life, but the behind the scenes battles were fought at great cost to my personal being.
And though there’s a part of me that wishes I could just get over it, that part of me is being quietly tempered by a bigger, newer part of me that has grown into a nurturer of self. A person who would have protected me as a child, who did not give up when it came to her own children, and who now sees the value in turning that love inwards. Trish deserves to heal. Trish deserves to grieve the losses. Trish deserves to let go of all that has been carried in silence.
And that means feeling the pain. All of it. And it sucks… hard…
So now I lean into patience, something I was always told I had none of. But looking at how long I had to wait for something so basic, so fundamental, as safety and choice for my kids, I’d say… I’ve got patience in the bag. And that makes me feel like I can safely set down any other opinion anyone has had of me and start viewing myself through the lens of the warrior that I am. Acknowledge the life that I’ve lived, be incredibly proud of how I’ve handled myself, and give myself the time and grace that I deserve to heal.
You'd think freedom would feel liberating. And perhaps some day it will. For now, it's turned out to be a really, difficult transition. Luckily, I’ve got beautiful, loving people surrounding me who are willing to care for me and give me the time I need, a gift I prayed for so much not long ago. And though progress is slow, it is progress.
What an incredibly strong body to have held so much for so long. Trying to treat her with kindness as she seeks to regain balance.
Feeling grateful as much as possible. And looking forward to what life will look like for me as this pain is finally released from my being and the true beauty of freedom takes it's place.
