No slay

I’ve started doing Thai massage as part of my recovery.  (If you’re new here... last July was my fourth bout with cancer, and I’m still finding my way back.)

It’s helping more than I expected. With the pain. With the neuropathy in my feet. With basic mobility.  I'm super grateful.

But… it’s not exactly relaxing. It’s more like physical therapy than a massage.  Deep. Intense. And, most of the time, really painful.

What I noticed in my last session stopped me.  Every time she worked on an area that felt vulnerable… my body pushed back.

Not gently. Not subtly.  It fought.

Completely reflexive.  No control. Just… protection.

So I had to breathe.  Slow everything down.  Convince my body it was safe.

And somewhere in that space… I saw her.

A dragon.

Moving through my body, guarding every place that hurt. Fighting anything that came near it.

And I was like…
“Hey… dragon… chill out.  She's trying to help.”

And her response was clear,
“How do I know?”

This poor dragon.

She’s been working overtime for a long, long time.  Protecting me through situations she was never meant to handle.  It reminded me of my dog, Ipo.

He wasn’t an alpha. He was the sweetest soul I’ve ever known.  But twice, when dogs attacked me and my kids on walks…. he had to become something else.

A protector.

And after that… he changed.  Every walk became a threat.  Every dog became danger.  He turned into this aggressive, reactive version of himself.  Not because he was mean.  Because he was terrified.  Because he had been forced into a role he was never built for.

That’s what trauma does.

That’s what PTSD looks like.

For me, it shows up every time I go to court.

Even now... after two years of the system finally protecting my kids… after a judge who can see through the bullshit…

My body doesn’t trust it.

I still brace.  I still scan for what could go wrong.  I still question everything.

Every step... walking in, sitting, speaking... I have to regulate myself.

Because that dragon is still there. Pushing back against anything that could hurt, whether it's trying to help or not. 

So I've decided I'll stop fighting her.  I’m not seeing her as something broken in me anymore.

I see a very tired dragon.

A good dragon.
A loyal one.
One who showed up when I had no one and everything fell apart… and stayed long after it should have.

I get her.  Because I didn’t know motherhood would ask me to become a warrior either.

So now, instead of pushing her away…  I’m thanking her.  Loving her. Letting her know...

“You did your job.
You protected us.
You got us through.”

But it’s time.  Time to rest.

Because I’ve got this now.

And even if I don’t…
I’m not alone.

I have support.
I have strength.

And no matter what happens... 

We’re okay.

That’ll do, dragon.
That’ll do.