“Just forgive them.”
It sounds so simple.
So evolved.
So… right.
But for many people healing from violation or abuse... including narcissistic abuse... this advice can actually do more harm than good.
Because when forgiveness is rushed… or misplaced…
It doesn’t lead to freedom.
It leads to repetition.
The Pressure to Be “The Bigger Person”
At some point, almost everyone hears it:
- “Forgiveness is for you.”
- “You have to let it go.”
- “Holding onto anger only hurts you.”
And while there is truth in that…
What’s often missing is this:
You cannot truly forgive someone else while still holding blame against yourself.
And so many people are.
The Silent Weight You’re Carrying
Before you ever try to forgive them…
Ask yourself:
- Do I blame myself for what happened?
- Do I feel ashamed of myself?
- Do I question my own judgment?
- Do I feel like I “allowed” it to happen?
Because if the answer is yes…
Then forgiveness directed outward becomes a way to bypass what actually needs healing.
When Compassion Becomes Self-Abandonment
Here’s where things get tricky.
Many people who have experienced abuse are deeply empathetic.
They can:
- understand trauma
- see the pain in others
- hold compassion, even for those who hurt them
But when that compassion is extended outward before it’s ever given inward…
It becomes dangerous.
Because it can sound like:
- “They had a hard childhood…”
- “They didn’t know better…”
- “They’re hurting too…”
And while those things may be true…
They do not excuse what happened to you.
And they do not heal the part of you that was hurt.
This Is How Enabling Happens
When you forgive them before you forgive yourself…
You risk:
- minimizing your own pain
- invalidating your own experience
- staying open to continued harm
- repeating the same dynamic in new relationships
Because at the core… you haven’t fully chosen yourself yet.
Forgiveness Is Not About Them
This is the part that gets misunderstood.
Forgiveness is not:
- saying it was okay
- welcoming them back in
- giving them access again
- understanding them at your expense
True forgiveness is something entirely different.
It’s a release.
A decision to stop carrying what was never yours to hold.
But You Can’t Release What You Still Blame Yourself For
If part of you still believes:
- “I should have known better”
- “I shouldn’t have stayed”
- “I was weak”
- “this is my fault”
Then no matter how much you try to “forgive them”…
You will stay tied to the experience.
Because the wound is still open.
Forgiving Yourself Comes First
This is where real healing begins.
Not with them.
With you.
Forgiving yourself for:
- not knowing what you didn’t know
- staying when you were trying to survive
- loving someone who couldn’t love you back
- missing red flags you weren’t taught to see
- doing the best you could with the awareness you had
Because the truth is:
You didn’t fail. You adapted.
What Happens When You Forgive Yourself
Everything shifts.
- Shame softens
- Clarity returns
- Boundaries strengthen
- Your self-trust rebuilds
And most importantly... you stop abandoning yourself.
Then... and Only Then... Can Real Forgiveness Happen
Not forced.
Not performative.
Not rushed.
But natural.
Because once you’ve released yourself… you no longer need to carry them either.
This Is What Freedom Actually Feels Like
It’s not:
“I forgive them. They did it because...”
It’s:
👉 “I didn't deserve that. I deserve better. ”
Free from:
- replaying the past
- questioning yourself
- carrying their behavior in your body
- staying tied to something that hurt you
If You Skip This Step…
You’ll keep repeating it.
Different person.
Same dynamic.
Because without self-forgiveness:
- Your nervous system still feels familiar in chaos
- Your boundaries stay soft (or get abandoned)
- Your empathy overrides your protection (which can lead to enabling)
You Deserve Your Own Compassion First
Not last.
Not someday.
First.
Then, when you find that for yourself... finding it for others becomes much easier. Just like self-care, self-love. Direct those energies inwards first... that's when you're truly able to direct them outwards in a way that is meaningful and real.
To view my children's books that help with self-care, self-love and self-forgiveness
Click Here
To view my guided meditations that help rewire your subconscious for self-love and self-forgiveness
Click Here
